"The Celtic mind was never drawn to the single line; it avoided ways of seeming and being that seek satisfaction in certainty. The Celtic mind had a wonderful respect for the mystery of the circle and the spiral. The circle is one of the oldest and most powerful symbols. The world is a circle; the sun and moon are too. Even time itself has a circular nature; the day and the year build to a circle. At its most intimate level so does the life of each individual." John O'Donohue
Creeping closer to the end of the year, this particular passage strikes a chord for me. Being Celtic, choices I have made in my life have led me far from the straight and narrow. Time passing this peculiar year has not, by any stretch of the imagination, traveled in any kind of a straight line. Rather, it has dramatically twisted and curved so that I no longer recognize the forward motion of my life. I find myself instead simply seeking direction, similar to being underwater and trying to find which way the bubbles are traveling in order to be able to breathe once again.
I am the proud, and often amazed, mother of four unique individuals, three of them daughters I am in awe of as I watch the strong, talented, extraordinary women they are becoming. My fourth child, born six years behind his next sibling and often called "God's punchline," is my only son, and ironically, my only redhead. He gives new life to the phrase "be careful what you ask for - you just might get it!" He is everything I asked for...and nothing I expected.
For an instant, in the middle of this year, time did not move in any direction - forward, backward, or circular. It stood absolutely still. And when it started again, the direction that my life had been going was irrevocably changed. In that instant, everything I had observed about my son, had agonized over in my heart, and had finally gathered my courage to find out was melded together with crystal clarity. By definition of the medical and educational community, my son was autistic.
I deal with "disabilities" in my other children. Two of my daughters have learning disabilities in the form of severe dyslexia and ADHD. Through hours of personal research, I know these conditions are not simply impairments in learning traditionally, but entire re-wiring of the brains so that their very manner of thinking and relating to the world around them differs from the typical. Not using their "disabilities" as an excuse is something that I work hard to instill within my children...that they are different than "the average bear" may be true, but it makes them no less intelligent, no less capable, and no less a valuable and valued person than anyone else. With my son's diagnosis, however, everything I've come to believe and have taught my children is put to the test.
My son is everything I could have asked for and more... yet, in the space of a few short months since defining his differentness, for most of society he is much, much less. They do not see his courage, his acrobatic grace, his resiliency, his compassion, or his intelligence. They are blinded to those things by behaviors and sounds they don't understand and don't wish to tolerate. Only by becoming "normal" or learning to at least pass for "normal" can he be accepted and valued. And my heart breaks at the thought that to do that for him could, in fact, damage the very spirit, courage, and heart I wish to preserve.
If each of us were to look deep within our own soul to that intimate level of which O'Donohue speaks, all of us would recognize we are disabled in one way or another. For some, our disabilities are scars within that we struggle to overcome, unseen by those around us. Years ago, because of my own internal scars, I believed I couldn't be a single mother of two children and made decisions based on fear. In the circle of time, I was forced to face those fears and move beyond the scars. Now I am the single mother of four children, one of whom fights not only to understand the world around him, but to be understood within it.
In the fullness of time, I am certain that he will do both. Whether society will do the same or not remains to be seen.
